Why cant your dearest ones around you be more considerate, unselfish and tolerant. Its hard to see that ppl around you feel so insecure that they wont let you do things which you like and they dislike. I am not saying in any way that they are not loving and caring but why cant they be just happy with things with which you are. They just tend to fall for the easier option that is force you to do with what they like instead of trying to like what they like. I have never been able to understand this particular human nature. With every day it feels that ppl have less and less patience and more and more greed - not for money but for need to get things done the way they want.
I just hope that they start feeling for their loved ones, keep their insecurity aside and try and find happiness in their loved ones happiness. Probably its asking too much in this selfish world.

Dont even remember now when was the last time, when I had posted something here...May be sometime in the fag end of the year 2005...But I guess I have been very busy after that and I dont think I have felt this bad in the past 2-3 years...Today has been miserable...Close to worst day of my life...Havent felt like this and blog comes handy to give a vent to your feelings...Am I missing my freinds so dearly today? U bet...So many of these close friends but none of them here to share my feelings, to whom I can talk to, to whom I can relate to...Cant believe....It has always been like this...When you need somebody the most, at that time only, you wont find them there...I want to puke but cant even puke, nothings coming out...

Here I am blogging so that I can let at least something out...It seems some software is acting like a good friend of mine...Its letting me do, what I wanna do...only if I could record here, only if I could speak instead of typing...How I wish I was not in this country...How I wish I was at home...Anyways, dont think I can do much about it, knowing very well that next few days are going to be worse...Need to work on my MBA course as well...Dunno how am I gonna do that...Too much stress for me to handle...

Havent said a thing about the horrible episode which made me feel like that but I dont think I can write anything about it...I dont think I can share this with the software or with some random readers (if there are any)...

Am I going to feel good now once I have written something here...No I dont think so...Bloddy feeling is still there...Time I guess is the only thing which might improve things but cant say that for at least a month because things are going to continue like this for at least a month...And yes I cant do anything about them....They will stay like this sadly...Lets see what happens after a month...

God Please give me some strength to handle this...Havent faced antyhing even remotely close to this...And please help those who desperately need it, give them something to cheer about, give them the strength to deal with it and give them enough power to say and do what they wanna say and do...

Amen!

Diwali and its History.

I refrain from posting sucn general articles but somehow I want to post this. Just some
information about DIWALI and its history. Courtsey Google. Compiled from different sites :-)


Diwali is a five day Hindu festival that occurs on the fifteenth day of Kartika (October-November). The word "Diwali" means "rows of lighted lamps," and the celebration is often referred to as the "Festival of Lights" much in the same way the Jewish holiday of Hannukah is referred to as the "Festival of Lights." Diwali is by far the most glamorous and important festival celebrated in India today.



The History of Diwali

Diwali celebrates the victory of good over evil -- and the glory of light. This festival commemorates Lord Rama's return to his kingdom Ayodhya after completing his 14-year exile.



During Diwali, homes are thoroughly cleaned and windows are opened to welcome Laksmi, the Hindu goddess of wealth, and candles and lamps are lit as a greeting to Laksmi. Gifts are exchanged and festive meals are prepared, and the celebration means as much to Hindus as Christmas does to Christians.



The Five Days of Diwali

Because there are many regions in India, there are many different manifestations of the Diwali festival. Uniting all members of the community, young and old, rich and poor, the lighting of the lamps represents a way of paying homage to God for health, wealth, knowledge, peace and fame. Diwali is celebrated for five days, each day having its own varied significance, rituals and myths.



The first day is called Dhanteras or Dhantryaodashi, which falls on the thirteenth day of the month of Ashwin. As the story goes, it was foretold that the son of King Hima was doomed to die by snake-bite. His wife lit innumerable lamps and laid ornaments and gold coins in a large heap at the entrance of her husband's bedroom. When Yam, the god of Death, arrived in the form of a serpent the lights blinded him and he could not enter the prince's chamber. The serpent climbed the heap of the ornaments and coins and listened as the prince’s wife sang songs throughout the night. In the morning Yam went away quietly and the prince was saved. This day of Dhanteras came to be known as the day of "Yamadeepdaan" and lamps are kept burning throughout the night in reverential adoration to Yam, the god of Death.



The second day is called Narka-Chaturdashi or Chhoti Diwali and falls on the fourteenth day of the month of Ashwin. According to legend, the mighty power of King Bali of the netherworld had become a threat to the gods. To curb his powers Lord Vishnu visited him disguised as a small boy and begged him to give him only that much land which he could cover with his three steps. Known for his philanthropy King Bali proudly granted him his wish. So with his first step Lord Vishnu covered the entire heaven and with the second step the entire earth and asked Bali where to place his third step. Bali offered his head and placing his foot on his head Vishnu pushed him down to the underworld. Out of generosity Vishnu allowed Bali to return to earth once a year to light millions of lamps to dispel the darkness and ignorance and spread the radiance of love and wisdom.



The third day of the festival of Diwali is the most important day of Lakshmi-Puja (also known as Chopada-Puja) and is devoted to the appeasement of the goddess Lakshmi. The day of Lakshmi-Puja falls on the dark night of Amavasya. It is believed that on this auspicious day Lord Krishna discarded his body. Another variation is the story of a small boy Nichiketa who believed that Yam, the god of Death was as black as the dark night of Amavasya. He met Yam and was puzzled by Yam's calm countenance and dignified stature. Yam explained to Nichiketa that only by passing through the darkness of death, can man see the light and his soul become immortal. It was then that Nichiketa realized the importance of life and significance of death.



The fourth day falls on the first day of the lunar New Year and is called Padwa or Varsha Pratipada, marking the coronation of King Vikramaditya. As per legend, the people of Gokul used to celebrate a festival in honor of Lord Indra and worshipped him after the end of every monsoon season. One year the young Krishna stopped the offering of prayers to Lord Indra who in anger sent a deluge to submerge Gokul. Krishna saved Gokul by lifting up the Govardhan Mountain and holding it over the people as an umbrella. This day is also observed as Annakoot and prayers are offered in the temples.

Worshippers are encouraged to remove anger, hate, and jealousy from their lives.



The fifth and final day of Diwali is Bhaiya-Dooj. This day is observed as a symbol of love between sisters and brothers. It is believed that on this day Yamraj, the god of Death, visited his sister Yami and she placed tilak on his forehead. They ate, talked and enjoyed the day together and exchanged special gifts as a token of their love for each other. Yamraj declared that anyone who receives tilak from his sister on this day will be blessed.

Me and Diwali

I have been very happy lately. India winning! Big happiness...Aish's birthday approaching (rather its today 1st of Nov)...Happy Birthday Aish....N then last but the most imp one DIWALI...Favourite festival still out of last 8 Diwalis I have spent just 3 at home. Kinda sucks. Why cant I be where I want to be when I like?

Spoke to so many ppl yesterday and wished them Happy Diwali. Felt so nice and was very good talking to all my family members and few of my close friends. But when I finally I spoke to my mom...It became so difficult for me as well as my mom. This is one moment, one day, one time when I feel heavy in my heart talking to my mom over the phone. I miss her so much. When I did it for the first time when I went out for my studies I broke, i broke down heavily and cried (yes right) and cried so much over the phone. I had never ever realized the importance of this festival when I was at home. When everything so natural and there was nothing I thot could go different. My first year away from home made me feel, this was what I had been taking for grated. Guess you realize the importance of somethng when its not with you. Year after year sometimes I managed to spend this festival of Lights at home and sometimes in desolate loneliness. This is the time when I feel altogether a different kind of solitude. Kind of feeling which comes only on this day and on no other day. May be will never be able to put in words but very different lonliness.

This time again when I spoke to her I tried hard not to do anything stupid which would make her break down over the phone. Normally when I speak to my mom its like for min 30 minutes every alternate day. I know cant talk different things on alternate days so we speak about the same things :-). But this time with consensus we kept the phone down in exactly 1 min. Both of us fearing the same thing. Known to both of us but not to be spoken about. There are somethings best left undiscussed.

Sometimes I just wonder, for how long can this go on? Why do I feel the way I feel? Anyways I dont think we have the answers for all the questions in this world....Something just dont have any answers. They are because they are. No why and now how...

Tagged

Well was tagged by Deepthi(first comments on my blog were from her). Somehow finished it. Took a long time though:-)

Seven Things you want to do before you die:

1. Paragliding : Got a chance once but got scared n changed my plans.
2. Bungee Jumping: Havent got a chance till now but i know first time I will be scared and I may come back without doing it.
3. Adopt a child: No particular reason for this. Just wanna do it.
4. Open a free school in a village: Well everytime I read some news that so many percent children have no access to even kindergarten. Makes me feel sad. Just want to do my part. Have started with 2 boys now.:-)
5. Not do anything for 3 months. Just tea, tv and sleep: I m tired of this fast paced life.
6. Have enough money in hands so that I dont have to think twice before buying anything (reasonable :-)): Even If I have to buy a shirt costing $100. I think n think n think and then finally decide not to.
7. Be diplomatic: Being straight forward is bad at times. Speaking your heart out is not always advisable.

Seven Things you can do :

1. Cook- Have learnt it recently after coming to US.
2. Live alone or shall i say live away from home.
3. Spend money on others.
4. Cry.
5. Make fool of myself and laugh at myself.
6. Play almost any kind of game/sport.
7. Talk incessantly if I want to.- Lately developed habit

Seven Things you can't do:

1. Lie and Cheat - Is there any other way through which one can cheat ?
2. Be very focussed and do what I plan to do.
3. Swimming - Can just float without breathing for some time.
4. Not get upset with India's defeat in cricket- I dont know why but bloddy thing still pains.
5. When I sneeze, just sneeze once- Minimum number is 2. Just cant have one.
6. Write Poems though I would have loved to.
7. Save enough.

Seven Things you say most:

1. F***. Its always used as an exclaimation mark. When I have to show this aghasted emotion.
2. Sir: To address anybody.
3. Chalo then: Last line in my mails. Last sentence if i m going out of somewhere.
4. Mast: Anything thats good.
5. I dont know: When I dont know anything or when I dont want to talk.
6. Kya chal raha hain: Whats happening.
7. Some hindi slangs which are not too good to hear. I dont think social sanctity of this website allows me write it here or not.

Seven Things that attract you to the opposite sex:

1. Gait and Looks - Hmmmmmmmmm.
2. Voluptuousness - My kind is not slim. Should have some wt where it matters.
3. Smile - This just puts me in mood anytime.
4. Smartness and Sense of humour - Cant do without this.
5. No hair please other than on the head. - It just turns me off.
6. Perfume- This is really important. Good mesmerizing odour.
7. Dressing Sense - She has to be very well dressed. She should know what looks good on her and what not.

Seven Celebrity crushes:
There are lots of them. Virtually everybody but still I'll try n name few who are right on top of that list.

1. Aishwarya Rai:Nothing to say- common choice.
2. Nandita Das: She has some best features in the town.
3. Steffi Graf- My first TV crush.
4. Rati Agnihotri - If she says yes today I will marry her. ya even today.
5. Jennifer Lopez - I love her ___.
6. Whirlpool Ad female(Cant recall her name) - Used to come in these whirpool ads with 2 kids and a hubby. May be her name is Gayathri.
7. Latest one Sania Mirza - She is cool and makes her own fashion statements.

Seven People you want to tag:
Cant finish this off. Instead will write about
Seven Habits which I dont appreciate

1. Self bragging
2. 'Cant say NO' habit.
3. Intellectual Masturbation - Intellectual masturbation can be defined as: 1. The act of satisfying one’s ego through statements intended only to show off one’s intelligence. 2. Acting like a know-it-all jerk that no one likes to listen to and everyone wishes would just shut up. Courtsey this.
4. Diplomacy.- Ya I know I want learn this before I die.
5. Talking bad behind somebody's back.
6. Leaving the kitchen dirty after cooking food - Yes it freaks me out when I have to first clean the kitchen before cooking.
7. Unnecessary Show off.
   
   
   

6 more months...

Somehow my company was able to convince the client that I should be here for another 6 months (till the time group is finally merged into Wachovia). And now here I m doing nothing currently and wont do anything for another 6 months. I am sick and tired of this thing. My manager just wants money out of the account without being concerned abt the fact that there is no work. What he sees is there are 6 applications and somebody should be there to take care of them irrespective of the fact that they are not being used extensively now and neither do we get any defects in those applications. Money is all what counts. I guess that is the attitude of all the software companies in India.

Its more than a year since I have landed here and I have not done any sort of coding (past 6 months). I have almost forgot the most basics of my technology and I feel I m already useless if I keep working on the same thing. The kind of work I m doing here is just ananlysis, meetings and Requirements gathering. Now these are the only things I can do.

Now I m thinking of going back to India once this project finishes that is after 6 months. No its not that my company wants me to go back but I feel its enough n I need to go back to sweet sweet home (though I know that I wont be living there.). But the feel is enough. :-)Now here is the real question what am I gonna do there? With the remaining skill I have I can only be the pain and not of any gain to my colleagues back in India. Does everybody who goes back to India goes thru the same process? Finally adapts gradually to the demands. Hopefully everything should go fine and I should be back in India 6 months from now...

Actually not able to make up mind that should I really go back to India. I have a very good life here. No work only araam and pretty good savings. Its really difficult when you have to choose one in mind and heart. Very difficult choice to make. In my case mind normally wins but I m doubtful this time. Will have to wait for 6 months to see which one comes triumphant.

Fear of being Fired.

I am working for a client called **** in a division called International Banking Group. Due to some big AML Compliance issues, where in they had to spend lot of money (I have to say that my company was a big benefitter from this) to be able to even come close to those compliance related stuff. Finally 4 brains inside the boardroom decided that they had to get out of this business itself to get out this mess. And so they sold this group to another bank called Wachovia. 50 ppl around me and 450 more suddenly got to learnt that they will be out of their jobs pretty soon. Anytime soon. Must be traumatizing I know but I dont think I can relate to this in the same way. But I guess I can feel it a part of it. First reaction is world's over! There is nothing more left! Period.

Most devastating feeling I guess for me! I guess this has been going on here for quite some time here. But this is my first hand experience to have a look at all those employees like this. Mind you in this case its not happening because of 'B' letter word. Any which ways I guess u guys dont think that I am against it. There is no way I can be.
It was just a feeling which occurred to me when I saw bunch of ppl around me in a very despondent mood. Ppl with whom I was working with in last 12 months. Sad to know something like this.

All of us know that this is not the first time when something like this happening here. In fact I spoke to few of them and they told me that they had faced this earlier upto 7 times. Staggering number. So basically what I inferred is this can happen anytime without any appointment. Does that mean all these employees in US are living with some sort of fear? Fear of being fired. Imagine a place where you go out to work daily with this fear that u may not visit the same place again tomorrow. Fear of loosing everything. Fear of not able to give the mortgage. Fear of not able to live happily. Fear of THE END.

How is it possible then most of the companies in fortune list are American companies with American employees. How do these employees with perpetual fear produce such astounding results to make their company best in the world. Does fear breeds motivation? Does fear in person bring the best out of somebody?

Life...

This is one thing which has been coming and knocking at my doorstep as a question mark every now and then more frequently of late. So though why not talk abt it. Jus a lil bit.

What do we do our whole life? More often than not curse our present, look for future and praise our past. Isnt it? When you are in school, you want to be in college, when you are in college, you want to get out and be working and think about your school days. when you are working, you curse that and think about your college. So we are in continous search of something which we are leaving behind today. So when we cant see things what we think we want do we really want those things. I mean do we really know what we want? Do we really understand what we desire? Ya its kinda confusing. I know. But I just cant help but think, why is that we are always looking for something, we get one and then we look for another. May be my answer to life lies in this itself. This is life...Strange but True!

My immediate tendency here is to divulege from the topic here slightly and talk abt Satisfaction and Aspirations(dreams) but somehow I'll restrain myself from doing that. Thats one big topic and I think I'll write about it some other time.

Continuing on my previous line of thought. There are so many questions which are running in head waiting for an opening thru which they can come out. All at the same time.

Why does one has to keep proving himself/herself always. Is it more to himself or others? Why does he always has to seek for challenges. Isnt this a weaknes in itself. Looking for challenges so that he can prove it to others that he is good enough. Or is it more of himself to show that he is capable enough. I dont know and I dont think even the most honest of thoughts can confirm that. Is this because of weakness in himself/herself compelling him/her to look for challenges so that he/she can prove otherwise.

"I dont know", is may be the most difficult line for anybody to utter seriously. Its so diffcult to say this when some serious topic is being discussed. Even if we are not aware of something, we will chip in with a thing or two not knowing ourselves whether what we said did make some sense or not. I guess its human nature. But the thing I am not sure of is who are we trying to fool. Ppl around us or US. Again whom are we trying to prove a point to?

Most often than not what we think is always governed by others. Its never governed by us, What we want to think. We think what others want us to think, thinking what will they think.Most often its biased. Its never independent think. There is no freedom in even thinking.
I am not looking for an ans for all these. I dont think its practically possible to even do some of these things mentioned here. All of us go with the flow and may be this is life!


PS: This post has been written in the span of 3 days due to some conspicuous work reasons. Please ignore any irregularities and sudden blips. Wanted to write more but then decided some other time:-)